Past Musings


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Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Today was not so nice as yesterday, but I am still in shock so it is alright. SHOCK. Anyway today in PE we had to run 2 miles and I did it in 19:58 which sucks but at least I got to leave early. So I was kinda hyper and tired at the same time. Like sleepy and wanting to jump up and down. Anyway I noticed something at lunch today... I was in the middle of a crowd of my friends and all alone. I couldn't hear any of them and I wouldn't pay attention. I was in my own little bubble. So I went to search for others... and was unsuccessful and still all alone.... but it's alright. I almost had another chance but I had to leave right away after school. I just want my people back. But it won't work if I don't know who they are. Anyway it was nice in a way because I was kinda floating and stuff, but since I couldn't accomplish anything I still sucked. Maybe I should try harder. Anyway I'm sure that none of this makes sense. It doesn't even make sense to me.

I realized today how nice and romantic running away seems. Don't freak out, I'm not gonna run away or anything, it's just that it seems so nice and perfect... like I was listening to "Island in the sun" by Weezer ... it goes: "We'll run away together / We'll spend some time forever" and then I remember of course, Slide (Goo Goo Dolls): "Wanna get married, or run away?" So nice... and then Kangway provided me with the song "Gone to the Movies" by Semisonic. Anyway it just seems nice and pleasant and interesting. But actually I like the song "El Scorcho" by Weezer even more... the lyrics are cool... like "I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me"... perfect. Exactly my thinking.

I think that I have to listen to people and be more open. I just always feel so rejected all the time. It's not what they say... it's what they mean. I don't think they even know what they are doing. So maybe I should move around, and hang out alone a little bit more and see what happens. But chances are that nothing will happen and I'll just be worse off than before. But then when something great happens I don't believe it, and it seems like a dream. A dream that I can remember perfectly over and over again, but it fades into a big mush of goodness. (What a nice metaphor..) And then I want more... to relive the perfection and sharpen it in my memory. "I know where I belong, and nothing's gonna happen"... yeah. I want the clarity back and I want it so bad, but eventually I forget, and then I don't expect anything, nothing is expected, and then... something happens. And it's great. I remember what it's like. The smallest things people do can sometimes keep me alive. I can't believe that anything should happen... And I bet I'm one of the only people I know my age that thinks their life is good right now...

mo posted at 7:31 PM.