Past Musings


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Tuesday, March 11, 2003


yeah, well, they've won my mom over too. I don't get it. And she's pissed at me for being "too physical" with nobu. Uh huh. Yeah I'm sooo awful. I'm just the sluttiest girl in school now. Now that what ? NOTHING. That's the point. The point is that nothing really happens. There is obviously something wrong with this society. Anyway, I guess what this means is that now everyone's not on my side anymore, except my friends. I mean, even though he doesn't like them so much, I think most of them think he doesn't deserve to be kicked out. The thing is, I guess I'm just insane, because I don't care that he doesn't talk. It really doesn't bother me. I mean, sometimes I ask a question and he doesn't answer me, but I think it's because he doesn't know or couldn't hear me. It's pretty rare too. In fact, he understands what I say better than most people. I guess I'm not going to be saying much for a while. I should become like Nobu in mourning of his loss forever like Nuriko crossdressing or whatever, but I should never talk and not say hello or goodbye anymore and piss everyone off, except one guy who I will find that likes me regardless of whether I communicate verbally with him or not. However, I think that measure would be a little bit drastic, considering we only went out for 3 months. Le'ts figure out the days. Not a lot. Well... it's actually less than three. If I see him on the 20th (and I don't know whether I will or not) that will be about half a week less than three months. So let's just say 2 and a half and make it work, because some of those were in winter break. Anyway, I don't actually care how long it was, my point is just that mourning for the rest of my life would be a little strange. Jono will still be on my side though (yes! that's what friends are for!), and we really should have done the samurai idea. And the panda suit. I mean, I would like to stab some people right about now. Even if I'm not any good at it. The thing is, I don't get why my parents freak out about the physicalness thing. First of all, I'm my own person, I'm not extensions of them, and I have different views. Which are basically that if someone wants to, then they should be able to. Which also means that it doesn't bother me one bit when I see people making out in the halls. I usually don't even notice. I am vaguely aware of which couples are touchy enough that they don't notice I'm trying to walk through the hallway, but other than that it doesn't really matter. I don't think lack of making out makes school safer. As long as people are not screwing in the hallways I don't care. And some people are pretty close to that, but that's mostly guys raping other guys, so whatever. Okay, reason number two: it's not that bad. I mean, maybe some people are bothered by me and nobu, but frankly that is their own fucking problem. We have never kissed at school, usually he just has his arm around me. Although I guess some people find that offensive, it's really nothing if you look at other couples. Third reason: he's leaving in 9 days. Obviously this has already been discussed and by now there's really nothing I can do about it. Even though families volunteered, whatever, they don't care, blah blah blah. But with 9 days left, is it really consequential whether we have been "too physical" or not? Plus, keep in mind, this was only going to be a possibly 4 month relationship anyway, so it really doesn't matter what we do, he's leaving no matter what. Now that I only have 9 days left, it's not really any different. Only, I should take some pictures because I only have a few of him, and I should give him the two I have developed of us, back in january or something. Departure gift. Anyway, uhh... what was I saying? Oh yeah, 9 days. If i see him on thursday, (the 20th), then on friday he will be gone, which is the day before spring break. That friday I have a free period. That friday I should make as pleasant as possible. Which means i will have to arrange to do something during free period with people, such as jono I guess, since angelina doesn't have the same free period anymore. They will help me "mourn" or whatever, but I have to be careful. We can't go to lunch during 4th, because I walked around campus with Nobu once for like, half an hour or something, not very long, and when we came back everyone was like "BLAHBLAHBLAHyoucan'tgooutwithoutsigningoutintheofficeBLAH BLAHBLAH" and I was like, "uh...ok." They were looking for him, not me, but I guess they are tensed up enough to spring at me for any reason. I suppose they don't really like me much either. No one does, remember? Well a few people do. Not too many though. The upshot is that, he's leaving in 9 days and uhh... what was my other point? Oh yeah, no more boyfriends for a while. Yeah, that will be so hard to deal with. Actually, it's not like anyone would like me anyway, because I don't like anyone else really, and people who I don't like never ever like me, or at least they hide it well enough. My parents say that I have broken their rules twice now about dating and they have to watch to see how "mature" I am by 16 to see if I can date then. Uh huh. That makes *soo* much sense. I guess it's better that I get my dating energy out now when they might forget. It's still somewhat far away, so yeah. Just as long as I don't like anyone until then. Of course, after lucas, it only took me four months. Which either means beginners luck or I've worn out the supply in this town of boys that would ever like me. Haha. I hope not. Or maybe I hope so. This town has a bunch of losers. I guess I'm my own loser too in my own way. Rebellious teen, yeah yeah sure. I'm only gonna mature if I actually do something. People don't just magically mature by lack of dating. I'm not that immature either. I don't go insane after not seeing him for 5 minutes. I'm fine. I have learned how to chill. That's my accomplishment of the year. I haven't started my history paper either, which is definitely a part of that. It could just be procrastination too. WHATEVER... whatever is going to be my word. I used to say whatever a lot but my dad got really mad. I think he thought it embodied my future rebelliousness. I'm only rebellious if you restrain me, you know. I'm allowed to go to movies with friends, I rarely do. I'm allowed to do homework, and look at me. I'm allowed to burn CDs, and I never do anymore.

There's only problems when you try restraining at me. Look at methods of restraint in my life:

They make me run (fitness): well, thanks to the fitness program, I have personally resolved never to do a sport in my life. Me and Peaches calculated today that over the course of the 5 years, we run 1000 miles. That is a damn lot. LOT. LOT LOT LOT. In fact, I don't think I'm any more fit than when I started. All that's happened was that I have run about 300 involuntary miles.

Dating: previously explained. I don't even care about having a boyfriend. I want a guy who I can like and hang out with a lot and possibly touch? Is that really so awful? I'm not going to screw him, I don't see the problem. Maybe I just want a really good friend. Girls are just NOT gonna work with that. I mean no offense to any of my female friends that I am at least somewhat close with (Angelina, Iiaeaux, Batia... are there any others? I guess that's about it) but I dunno, after a while, there's either nothign to talk about or I hate them. Generally the first. Anyway, girls are always a possibility, but I have had bad experiences with them..

Eating certain foods: this is a restraint, but for some reason it doesn't bother me. I know this disproves my point, but I don't care. It's mostly for health reasons, and Jono has similar restrictions, so we can be healthy and dorky together.

talking on the phone a lot: they used to make me talk on the phone. I like it too much now. I guess since my boyfriend has recently either not existed or doesn't talk, I don't have hours of that every night, but certain people always need advice (how helpful am I anyway, but it's ok with me) and I call Jono when I'm bored. YES.

No more rebellion for now. I have to work on my homeowrk and start writing that history essay. Maybe more later, if you're lucky :) I found out that Cordelia reads my blog. That made me feel loved. I read hers too, and even Mark's. Yeah, I have a lot of time. Tom's is really good too. He was singing Hakuna Matata today during math. Okay okay okay I will go, finnneeeeeeee.

*2 hours later*

Okay I'm back. And I realize I forgot Arielska. I don't know if she counts as my "close" friends, but she is my mommy anyway, so yeah.

Anyway now that I am somewhat more cooled off and less killer bunny angry, I must give you guys a beautiful picture.

Well this is the Weiss Kreuz gang who i watched weird stuff of at arielska's party and i dunno, i found a pic?

mo posted at 5:07 PM.